AIR WARS 3K

HISTORY POD

In 1977, John Long was Program Director of WHBQ in Memphis. Ron Brandon asked Long to serve as director of events at the upcoming Radio Music Report Convention in Atlanta. Arista records signed on as sponsor of the awards portion of the convention.

Long and WHBQ Production Director Carter Davis wrote “Air Wars”, a parody on Top 40 Radio loosely based on characters from the movie Star Wars. The parody was part of a special promotional LP distributed by Arista at the convention. The audio presentation was choreographed with a company which produced laser shows and presented at the convention as a lead-in to the awards presentation.

The original parody debuted here in May of 1999. Prior to that debut, Long, Davis, and REELRADIO Repository contributor Rob Grayson began kicking around the idea of an updated “Air Wars”. The script was finished in the Spring of 1999, casting calls went out, and the players recorded and sent their parts to Davis and production began.

After hours of assembly and fine tuning, we are proud to present the World Premiere of “Air Wars 3k, The Conglomerate Menace.”

AIR WARS 3K

CAST POD

(in alphabetical order)

ANNOUNCER John Long
AMIDALA DREW Meridith Long
BINKS BENNETT Bob Landree
CHANCELLOR DREW Mike Ortega
DARTH MEL Carter Davis
FAKE OIDAR DJ Carter Davis
KENOBI BURKHART Mike Ortega
MACE THE BARKEEP Carter Davis
PANAKA SMALL Lisa Smith
QUI GON BURKHART Dick Edwards
SHMI SHANNON Rob Grayson

AIR WARS 3K

THE SCRIPT POD

ANNCR:

WHERE DID THE MILLENIUM GO? SEEMS LIKE ONLY A COUPLE OF HUNDRED YEARS AGO, THE WORLD USHERED IN 2000 TO THE MUSIC OF THE ARTIST FORMERLY KNOWN AS PRINCE. HE’S STILL RECORDING IN HIS POD CIRCLING EARTH IN A STATIONARY ORBIT OVER MINNEAPOLIS. AFTER FREEZING HIS BODY FOR 500 YEARS, HE EMERGED FROM HIS CRYO CRYPT AND RENAMED HIMSELF KING.

WHAT’S THE UNIVERSE LIKE NOW? WELL COLONIZATION OF THE MOON, MARS, AND JUPITER ARE NOW COMPLETE. SATURN SHOULD BE DONE IN ABOUT SEVENTY-FIVE YEARS. THESE COLONIES ARE INHABITED BY SCIENTISTS, PHILOSOPHERS, THEOLOGIANS, MEDICAL RESEARCHERS, AND THE ULTRA RICH. ON EARTH, MEDICAL ADVANCES HAVE INCREASED LIFE EXPECTANCY FOR AN INFINITE TIME. PEOPLE OF AVERAGE MEANS CAN LIVE LIKE KING, IN PODS ORBITING EARTH AT JUST ABOVE FIVE MILES. IT’S THE ULTIMATE IN HIGH RISE LIVING. TRAVEL TO EARTH FOR WORK AND NECESSITIES IS VIA SHUTTLES.

RADIO AND TELEVISION STATIONS ARE OWNED BY JUST THREE COMPANIES: HOLICHANNEL, ONCE KNOWN AS CLEARCHANNEL; COLUMCHANNEL, FORMERLY CBS; AND COR CHANNEL, A MIXTURE OF THE OLD JACOR, CHANCELLOR, CAPSTAR AND OTHER MEDIA COMPANIES. THE FEDERATION, FORMERLY THE U.S. GOVERNMENT, RULED THAT THESE THREE COULD NOT BUY OUT EACH OTHER. AS THE BIG THREE GREW, THEY PURCHASED THEN SIGNED OFF ANY AM RADIO STATION UNDER 50,000 WATTS AND FM’S UNDER 100,000 WATTS. THE FEDERATION HAS RULED THAT SMALLER STATIONS DARK FOR YEARS, MAY BE ACTIVATED ONCE AGAIN TO ENCOURAGE COMPETITION.

AMIDALA DREW AND QUI-GON BURKHART HAVE BEEN FRIENDS SINCE BIRTH IN 2021. THEIR FATHERS WERE FRIENDS AND WORKED TOGETHER IN THE RADIO DIVISION OF THE OLD CLEARCHANNEL COMMUNICATIONS. THEY OFTEN RECALLED THE DAYS PRIOR TO Y2K WHEN RADIO OFFERED VARIETY, INFORMATION, ENTERTAINMENT, AND PERSONALITIES. EACH OF THE BIG THREE NOW HAVE CHANNELS, OR STREAMSHIPS DEVOTED TO A SINGLE PROGRAMMING STYLE. COLUMCHANNEL, FOR INSTANCE HAS THE TOP STREAMSHIP, A HYBRID OF RAP AND HIPHOP MUSIC CALLED MALS.

QUI-GON AND AMIDALA PERSUADED THEIR FAMILIES TO BACK THEM FINANCIALLY TO FORM A NEW RADIO COMPANY WHICH WOULD BRING SOME OF THE NOW DEFUNCT STATION BACK TO LIFE. THE COMPANY IS ARKOCHANNEL AND HAS SUCCESSFULLY GOTTEN FEDERATION APPROVAL FOR DOZENS OF STATIONS IN MEDIUM SIZED MARKETS. NOW ON THE EVE OF Y3K, A NEW STREAMSHIP WILL BE SIMULCASTS ON THE STATIONS . FOR SEVERAL MONTHS COLUMCHANNEL CEO, DARTH MEL HAS HAD ARKOCHANNEL UNDER INVESTIGATION. DARTH IS WORRIED, HIS ANCESTORS WERE PART OF RADIO BEFORE Y2K. HE KNOWS HOW IT WAS AND HOW IT COULD BE AGAIN. WE JOIN HIM IN HIS POD, ORBITING JUPITER. A MEETING WITH HIS TRANSMISSION CAPTAIN, SHMI SHANNON IS UNDERWAY.

DARTH:

WE HAVE THE MOST SOPHISTICATED SURVEILLANCE MEANS IN THE UNIVERSE AND WE STILL HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THESE KIDS ARE UP TO WITH THIS NEW ARKOCHANNEL. MAYBE YOU NEED TO APPLY FOR JOBS WITH THEM IN THEIR SMALL MARKETS. I THOUGHT YOUR MOLE-INTERNS HAD GOTTEN INSIDE THEIR LAB.

SHMI:

MEL, I DID BUT IT WAS JUST A HOLDING POD FOR APPLICANTS. NOTHING THERE BUT INTERN TYPES, HOPING FOR A BREAK. THERE WAS THIS ONE ELDER TYPE. HE JUST SAT IN THE CORNER AND LISTENED TO HIS PLAYER.

DARTH:

ELDER TYPE? WAS HE IDENTIFIED?

SHMI:

HIS IDENT-ITOO (IDENTITY TATTOO) SAID DRAKE, B

(music stab)

ANNCR:

DARTH MEL’S EYES GLAZE OVER AND HIS MIND RACES. HE REMEMBERS ALL TO WELL THE STORIES HIS GRANDFATHER TOLD HIM ABOUT A RADIO PROGRAMMER, BILL DRAKE WHO TOOK TOP 40 RADIO TO IT’S SECOND LEVEL IN THE 1900’S

DARTH:

ALRIGHT SHMI THAT’S ALL FOR NOW

(chamber airlock opens and closes)

ANNCR:

DARTH REACHES DOWN TO THE FLOOR AND PUSHES A KEYPAD WHICH OPENS A FLOOR SAFE. HE FINDS A WORN LEATHER-BOUND ADDRESS BOOK. THUMBING THROUGH HE FINDS AN ENTRY THEN PUSHES A BUTTON ON HIS KEYBOARD.

COMPUTER VOICE:

planet: earth, country: united states, state: California, city: la JOLLA; street: Vallejo; listing: BINKS radio cafe. connecting

MACE, THE BARKEEP:

RADIO CAFE

DARTH:

IS BINKS IN?

MACE, THE BARKEEP:

JUST A MINUTE

BINKS:

HELLO

DARTH:

MR. BENNETT, YOU PROBABLY DON’T KNOW ME, I’M DARTH MEL AND I RUN A ……..

BINKS:

(interrupting) I KNOW WHO YOU ARE MAN, TO WHAT DO I OWE THE HONOR OF SPEAKING TO THE MAN WHO SINGLE-HANDEDLY TRASHED THE ART OF ENTERTAINING RADIO?

DARTH:

I WAS HOPING I COULD INTEREST YOU IN A BUSINESS PROPOSITION.

BINKS:

(laughingly)WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO MAN – BUY UP ALL THE LITTLE BARS, CLOSE THEM DOWN, AND OPEN ONE HUGE INTERPLANETARY SALOON?

DARTH:

MR. BENNETT, MAY I PAY YOU A VISIT?

BINKS:

SURE MAN, DROP IN ANYTIME, THE FIRST BEERS ON ME.

ANNCR:

THE NEXT DAY A MAG LEV VEHICLE SLOWS IN FRONT OF BINKS BENNETT’S RADIO CAFE THEN STOPS.

DARTH:

I’LL LET YOU KNOW WHEN TO RETURN. PARK AROUND THE CORNER.

(door opens, “The Hustle” blasts; top 40 music continues throughout this scene)

MACE, THE BARKEEP:

WHAT ‘LL IT BE PAL?

DARTH:

IS BINKS AROUND?

MACE, THE BARKEEP:

SURE …(yells) BINKS! SOMEONE TO SEE YOU… YOU DARTH?

DARTH:

YES I AM

MACE, THE BARKEEP:

HAVE A SEAT IN THE CONTROL ROOM, HE’S EXPECTING YOU.

DARTH:

THE CONTROL ROOM?

MACE, THE BARKEEP:

YEAH (snidely) IT’S RESERVED FOR VIPS

ANNCR:

DARTH WALKS INTO A ROOM THAT CONTAINS RADIO BROADCASTING EQUIPMENT FROM THE 1900’S. DARTH REACHES OUT AND TOUCHES AN OTARI REEL TO REEL RECORDER, HIS FINGERS SEEM TO BE FAMILIAR WITH THE CONTROLS

door opens

BINKS:

YOU’RE NOT OLD ENOUGH TO REMEMBER TAPE ARE YOU MAN?

DARTH:

MY GRANDFATHER TOLD ME STORIES

BINKS::

YEAH MINE TOO, THAT’S WHY THIS PLACE IS HERE. WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU MR. MEDIA CONGLOMERATE?

DARTH:

SPARE ME THE SARCASM MR. BENNETT, HAVE YOU HEARD THAT THE FEDERATION, IS GRANTING LOW AND MEDIUM POWER PERMITS TO INTERESTED PARTIES?

BINKS:

SURE, BUT WHO’S GOT THE BUCKS TO TRY AND REVIVE THOSE DINOSAURS?

DARTH:

I DO

BINKS:

COME ON MAN, YOU KNOW THAT THE FEDERATION WON’T GRANT COLUMCHANNEL ANY OF THOSE PERMITS

DARTH:

I’VE DISCOVERED THAT SOME YOUNG PEOPLE, OIDARS, I THINK THEY CALL THEMSELVES, HAVE OBTAINED A SUBSTANTIAL NUMBER OF PERMITS AND ARE PLANNING TO BRING BACK WHAT THEY PERCEIVE AS THE GLORY DAYS OF TOP 40 RADIO. THEIR ARKOCHANNEL HAS APPARENTLY ENLISTED ELDER, B DRAKE TO ASSIST IN CREATING A “NEW TOP 40′ SO TO SPEAK. THAT ENTERTAINMENT FORM WAS RESEARCHED AGAIN IN THE LAST FEW YEARS AND IT WON’T WORK. PEOPLE DON’T WANT TO RETURN TO THE DAYS OF THREE AND FOUR MINUTE MUSIC SELECTIONS. THE CONTINUOUS STREAMSHIPS SUCH AS MALS WILL CONTINUE TO DOMINATE, AND COLUMCHANNEL WILL CONTINUE TO OFFER THE MOST SUCCESSFUL STREAMSHIPS.

BINKS:

SO, WHAT BRINGS YOU TO MY MUSEUM OF THE DEAD ART FORM?

DARTH:

I HAVE MANY HOLDINGS IN THE UNIVERSE. SOME ARE SO WELL PROTECTED THAT THE FEDERATION COULD NEVER TRACE OWNERSHIP BACK TO ME. ONE OF THOSE COMPANIES MIGHT BE INTERESTED IN BACKING A GROUP INTERESTED IN CHALLENGING ARKOCHANNEL. HISTORY SHOWS THAT YOUR GREAT GRANDFATHERS’ “Q” FORMAT ERODED THE DRAKE FORMAT. PERHAPS AN APPROPRIATE TACTIC IS TO PUT THE Q FORMAT BACK IN SERVICE BEFORE THE DRAKE FORMAT. IT SIMPLY ELIMINATES ONE STEP IN WHAT APPEARS TO BE A RENAISSANCE OF THAT PERIOD. THE NAME BENNETT WOULD ONCE AGAIN BASK IN MEDIA ATTENTION.

BINKS:

MAN YOU DO KNOW HOW TO GET A GUYS ATTENTION. LET ME THINK ABOUT IT. WHERE CAN I REACH YOU?

DARTH:

INPUT COLUMCHANNEL, THEN 001. I’LL ALERT MY STAFF THAT YOU MAY BE RESPONDING.

BINKS:

COOL, SAY HOW ABOUT A BEER? STICK AROUND ANOTHER OLD TIMER SON IS COMING BY SHORTLY. YOU REMEMBER SKLAR DON’T YOU? HIS G4 SON OLIE (oh-lee)

DARTH:

I REMEMBER SKLAR, BUT UNFORTUNATELY I’M EXPECTED BACK ON JUPITER BY EVENING.

BINKS:

HEY MAN IS THAT YOUR MAG LIMO OUT FRONT?

DARTH:

YES

BINKS:

FAR OUT MAN

DARTH:

(to himself) THE APPLE DIDN’T FALL FAR FROM THE TREE

ANNCR:

DARTH LEAVES AND BINKS IMMEDIATELY WAVES TOWARD A MIRRORED WALL.

BINKS:

COME ON IN

ANNCR:

AMIDALA AND QUI-GON ENTER THE CONTROL ROOM

BINKS:

WELL, YOU HEARD HIM. HE KNOWS WE’RE UP TO SOMETHING AND HE’S WORRIED.

AMIDALA:

THE DRAKE THING WORKED BEAUTIFULLY

QUI-GON:

I HOPE YOU WERE RECORDING BINKS!

BINKS:

IT’S ALL ON MY IMAGE CHIP!

THEY ALL SAY:

OOOOOOHHHHHH!

ANNCR:

SEVERAL WEEKS GO BY AND THE MILLENIUM 3000 IS ONLY A MONTH AWAY. BINKS NOT ONLY TURNED DOWN ZARTH’S OFFER, BUT THREATENED TO TURN OVER THE IMAGE CHIP OF THEIR CONVERSATION TO FEDERATION OFFICIALS. DARTH WASN’T CONCERNED WITH THE THREAT. HE WAS ACCUSTOMED TO THEM. JUST ANOTHER ASSIGNMENT FOR THE LEGAL POD. MEANWHILE IN A LAB DEEP UNDER GROUND IN THE SOUTHWEST DESERT, QUI-GON, AMIDALA, AND BINKS ARE WORKING NIGHT AND DAY TO LAUNCH ARKO CHANNEL. WE JOIN A MEETING IN PROGRESS.

AMIDALA:

I’M SO WORRIED, THOSE LOW FLYERS WERE SPOTTED AGAIN AT POD THREE HUNDRED, JUST WHEN THE TECHS WERE INSTALLING THE OMNITENNA.

QUI-GON:

YOU WORRY TOO MUCH, THEY’RE WELL EQUIPPED TO HANDLE ANY EMERGENCY. OK, BINKS WHAT DO YOU HAVE FOR US?

BINKS:

I WANT TO INTRODUCE YOU TO SOMEONE

(DOOR OPENS)

BINKS:

AMIDALA, QUI-GON MEET PANAKA SMALL

ANNCR:

PANAKA SMALL IS A DESCENDANT OF ONE OF THE MOST BRILLIANT ENGINEERING MINDS OF THE 1900’S. HER GREAT GREAT GRANDFATHER INVENTED THE BLACK BOX USED IN AUDIO CHAINS OF AM TOP FORTY STATIONS. THE BLACK BOX MADE THE STATIONS SOUND BIGGER THAN LIFE

PANAKA:

HELLO

BINKS:

PANAKA HAS MADE A RATHER INTERESTING DISCOVERY

PANAKA:

FOR THOUSANDS OF YEARS WE THOUGHT THAT RADIO TRANSMISSIONS JUST DISAPPEARED INTO THE ETHER. WHAT IF I TOLD YOU THEY’RE STILL OUT THERE?

AMIDALA:

OUT WHERE?

PANAKA:

THEY’RE IN A LOW FREQUENCY LOOP ORBITING THE UNIVERSE…IT’S THE DEEP OMINOUS RUMBLE YOU HEAR WHEN AIRWALKING.

QUI-GON:

AMAZING!

BINKS:

YOU AIN’T HEARD NOTHING’ YET

AMIDALA:

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

PANAKA:

EVERY RADIO TRANSMISSION EVER BROADCAST IS THERE, POLICE CALLS, OLD CELL PHONE CALLS, AND EVEN THE BATTLEFIELD COMMANDS FROM THE WAR OF 2376.

BINKS:

YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING HOW THIS FITS INTO OUR PLANS? WELL, AS WE ALL KNOW AIR PERSONALITIES BECAME EXTINCT BEFORE Y2K. OUR FOREFATHERS GREW UP LISTENING AND LEARNING FROM GREAT RADIO TALENTS. TODAY, INTERNS THINK GREAT STREAMSHIP PROGRAMMING IS NOTHING MORE THAN SEAMLESS MUSIC WITH VERY OCCASIONAL INTERRUPTION FOR MESSAGING. PANAKA AND I HAVE FIGURED OUT A WAY TO PUT CLASSIC PERSONALITIES BACK ON THE AIR.

AMIDALA:

WE’VE CHECKED, NONE OF THOSE PEOPLE ARE IN CRY-O FARMS

PANAKA:

PRECISELY, SO WE’VE CAPTURED THE OLD BROADCASTS AND CLONED SOME OF THE MOST SUCCESSFUL RADIO PERSONALITIES INTO MIMICADS (MEM-UH-CADS).

(DRAMATIC MUSIC STAB)

ANNCR:

TO KEEP DARTH AND HIS HENCHMEN BUSY, THE OIDARS HAD LEAKED IMAGE CHIPS OF INTERNS PRACTICING READING FAKE LINER CARDS:

OIDAR DJ 1 (non radio type): “

ARKO CHANNEL, MORE MUSIC MORE OFTEN”

OIDAR DJ 2: “

WE’RE MAKING A MOUNTAIN OF MEMORIES WITH A OBG WEEKEND ON ARKOCHANNEL”

ANNCR:

DARTH IS CONVINCED HE KNOWS THE OIDARS PLAN AND HAS PUT TOGETHER A STREAMSHIP TO COMBAT THE LAUNCH OF ARKOCHANNEL. HITSTREAM, DESIGNED BY YODA JOSEPH AND RESEARCHED BY SIDIOUS MC VAY WILL DEBUT A FEW MINUTES AFTER ARKO BEGINS BROADCASTING.

SEMI-BIG FINISH MUSIC

ANNCR:

DARTH AND SHMI ARE IN HIS POD ON THE EVE OF THE MILLENIUM 3K PREPARING FOR THE DEBUT OF ARKOCHANNEL

DARTH:

THE OIDARS WON’T LAST A MONTH ONCE WE LAUNCH HITSTREAM . A SOLID WALL OF TECHNO MUSIC WITH COMMERCIAL ID’S ONLY ONCE AN HOUR. ARE THE INTERNS REHEARSED SHMI?

SHMI:

WHAT’S TO REHEARSE MEL, ALL THEY HAVE TO DO IS PUSH BUTTONS. THEY ONLY TALK ONCE AN HOUR AND THAT’S LIMITED TO 15 SECONDS.

DARTH:

THE OIDARS INTERNS WILL SOUND LIKE SUCH AMATEURS (SNICKERS)

SHMI:

IT’S ALMOST TIME MEL, AND MAY I BE THE FIRST TO WISH YOU HAPPY MILLENIUM

DARTH

(GROWLS)

ANNCR:

AT ARKOCHANNEL STUDIOS, PANAKA HAS THE MIMICADS ADJUSTED FOR THEIR DEBUT.

PANAKA:

THE THREE-K OIDAR ONE IS GONNA BLOW DARTH OUT OF HIS POD

QUI-GON:

JUST WHEN HE THINKS HE’S HEARD THE BEST WE’LL PUNCH IN THE THREE-K OIDAR TWO

AMIDALA:

I’D LOVE TO SEE HIS FACE WHEN HE HEARS THREE-K OIDAR-THREE

BINKS:

AND FOUR

ALL TOGETHER:

AND FIVE!

(THEY’ ALL LAUGH)

COMPUTER VOICE:

10-9-8-7-6-5-4-3-2-1

REALLY BIG FINISH MUSIC

ANNCR:

THE OIDARS DID IT WITH DR DON ROSE

(sample)

ANNCR:

ROBERT W MORGAN

( sample)

ANNCR:

THE REAL DON STEELE

(sample)

ANNCR:

AND WOLFMAN JACK

(sample)

(SEMI CLOSING MUSIC)

ANNCR:

DARTH MEL WAS THROWN OUT OF HIS CEO POSITION BY ANGRY COOLUMCHANNEL SHAREHOLDERS WHEN ARKO CHANNEL WAS AN INSTANT SUCCESS. JOSEPH’S HITSTREAM WAS CANCELLED AFTER SEVERAL WEEKS AND MALS, THE MAINSTAY OF COLUMCHANNEL BECAME THE Y3K EQUIVALENT OF THE 1970S BEAUTIFUL MUSIC FORMAT. THE OIDARS HAD DONE IT, ARKOCHANEL , IN ITS THIRD DECADE, WAS A HAVEN FOR YOUNG TALENT FROM ALL OVER THE UNIVERSE. THE SPREAD OF OIDAR PERSONALITIES WAS RAPID. SOME WERE MAKING A DIFFERENCE AT HOLICHANNEL, COR CHANNEL, AND EVEN COLUMCHANNEL. AS QUI-GON’S GREAT GREAT GRANDFATHER KENOBI BURKHART ONCE SAID:

KENOBI:

THE TRUE FORCE IN RADIO ARE ITS PERSONALITIES

ANNCR:

AND AMIDALA’S FOREFATHER, CHANCELLOR DREW SAID:

CHANCELLOR:

DON’T MAKE THE SAME MISTAKE….ONCE.

THE END

AIR WARS 3K

AUDIO POD

Air Wars 3K: The Conglomerate Menace (13:35)

G2/5.0 COMPATIBLE MONAURAL –
TOP STREAM 16KHz (32.1 Kbps)

Air Wars 3K: The Conglomerate Menace (13:35)

G2/5.0 COMPATIBLE STEREO –
TOP STREAM 16KHz (64.7 Kbps)

AIR WARS 3K

AIR WARS 3K

HISTORY POD

AIR WARS 3K

CAST POD

AIR WARS 3K

THE SCRIPT POD

AIR WARS 3K

AUDIO POD

Air Wars 3K: The Conglomerate Menace (13:35)

Air Wars 3K: The Conglomerate Menace (13:35)

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